Tag Archives: True Humility

Submission In Marriage: Complete Foolishness Or The Best Kept Secret?


Submission In Marriage: Complete Foolishness Or The Best Kept Secret?

By: Ronke Alao

Ever heard the word "submit" or "submission" used in marriage? What comes to mind when you think of that word? Better yet, how does it make you feel as a woman? Does it spark any reaction in you? Does it simply nauseate you or perhaps it makes you want to smirk in sheer disgust of such an archaic idea?  "Wives, submit to your husband", yeah right. Who needs such garbage in the modern world. In this age of women empowerment and equal rights. In an age where the term 'breadwinner' isn't exclusively used for men, where wives and husbands alike bring home the 'bacon'. Is submission as it pertains to marriage an obsolete term?

Why is submission such a dirty word? Enough questions, let's find some answers. According to the dictionary, to submit means to yield to the power or authority of another. As a young girl who grew up in church, I would hear references being made to the subject of submission in marriage and it would seem to me that men felt more strongly about their wives submitting to them than the women felt.  

What Submission Is Not

Contrary to what most people think, being submissive is not synonymous with being foolish. It has absolutely nothing to do with being a doormat, (sorry to disappoint insecure men who think that is what it means). I know when most people think of  a submissive wife, they conjure up a picture of a woman who has absolutely no say and no rights in her own home. She only does as she is told and is seen but not heard.

Such a woman may make a good match for a man who lacks a sense of identity and has confidence issues. It's also important to note that submission isn't the same as blind obedience. Some women have committed heinous acts by blindly obeying their husbands all in the name of submission. No, submission doesn't rob you of your brain!

What It Really Is

A woman who submits to her husband is simply one who knows that she does have a place (a very important one), in her household but recognizes that every unit needs a leader and the family unit is no different. She knows that for the sake of  peace and progress of the family, there needs to be a leader. Most women struggle with the concept because they think it takes something away from them. It is about giving your husband honor and respect.

My Own Struggles With Submission

I never really struggled with the idea of submitting to a man I was married to. I was a strong advocate of the concept of submission in  marriage, that is, until I became married myself. It was then I found out how strong-willed and independent-minded I was. There were times my husband and I would disagree on certain issues and I wouldn't want to budge.

I would think, "Why did he have to be right always?", "why do I even have to listen to him","why can't we do it my own way?". This gave rise to a lot of hurt and anger.

This would happen occasionally until I realised that It wasn't so much my husband's problem, it was me. I was fighting something that I didn't have to fight. I faced the prospect of having to 'yield to someone's authority' and the rebel in me would have non of it. Then it occured to me that submission wasn't something that was exclusively reserved for married women. No, it's a concept that is at work in every unit or organization that is worth it's salt. Also, it's something we all do everyday at different levels.

If you work for someone else, chances are you yield to that person's authority to some extent. Even if you work for yourself by providing some sort of service to people, at some point, you would have to fully understand what their needs are and do your best to make it work. Now, I'm not implying that our relationship with our husbands can be likened to a boss-employee type relationship. It's a partnership. We need to understand that God has our best interests at heart when he said wives should submit to their husbands. God also got it right on the spot when he said husbands should love their wives. He knows what our hearts yearn for.

The fact is men want respect and women want love.

Men feel loved when their wives respect them and women feel respected when their husbands show them love. Just as a woman's need for love can't be overemphasized, a man's need for respect can't be overemphasized as well. When couples have heated arguments, it's not always about the particular issue being discussed. Most times it's about an underlying issue that remains unspoken. It almost always boils down to the guy thinking, "she doesn't respect me", or the woman thinking, "he doesn't love me". In my relationship with my husband, I have come to learn over time that when I don't have to be right, when I don't have to have my way, things work themselves out smoothly.

The Hidden Wisdom

Interestingly, when I make my views known in a way that honors and shows respect for my husband, he naturally pays more attention to what I have to say and decides to do things my way. Ladies, this is the best kept secret in marriage: When you honor and respect your man, he gets to eat out of your hands! Think of how much you want to feel loved by him. That's how much he wants to feel respected by you.Nothing breaks down a guy's defenses like when his wife completely honors and respects him. It makes him want to love you totally and go above and beyond the norm to make you happy.

It takes wisdom and strength to be a submissive wife. Women who lack strength and character can't do it. When you work on who you are as a woman and you have a healthy self-esteem, submission comes easier. You would enjoy a very loving relationship with your husband and other women would wonder how you do it.


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      Ronke Alao  left her family and fiance behind to relocate  to the United States from Nigeria.  She  faced the challenges of dealing with a long distance relationship. Having being through moments of uncertainty and doubt, she is able to bring compassion and understanding to the table when she speaks to others.Ronke is happily married to the man of her dreams. Her passion is to help women have better relationships with their spouse and others so they can live a fulfilling and rich life. Download her recently  released free E-book– Embracing The Real You.

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