"Till Sex Do Us Part" – 3 Reasons You Should Discuss Sex With Your Husband…Before You Get Married
By: Ronke Alao
It was my wedding day. My husband and I had just exchanged vows eight hours prior. We had so much fun at the wedding reception, dancing with friends and family. We didn’t leave the reception venue till past 4pm and then we had to ‘battle’ the ever busy traffic to get to the resort that my husband had reserved for this special day. We were both excited. It wasn’t just because we were now married, but more especially because we were finally married after being in a long-distance courtship for over two years! I remember watching my husband bring in the last of our wedding gifts from the car to the room and thinking, “This is it!” . I was now married to the man I loved so much. No more restrictions as far as showing intimacy was concerned. Our bodies now belonged to each other. Holy Molly! What do I do!
Okay, I wasn’t exactly in a state of panic or shock. That was just added for the drama effect, but seriously ladies, how many of us can relate to that feeling of “This is it!”?. It’s funny how as singles, we get pre-occupied with thoughts of having a man, being in a relationship, getting married and having kids without giving it much thought that sex is a part of marriage. I recently posted on my facebook page that three things you should discuss with your husband to-be was Money, Children and Sex and it was interesting to note that a few ladies asked the question – “What about sex should we discuss?”. None of the guys asked that though. That itself should tell you something.
Guys know what needs to be discussed about sex. He just might not mention it so you don’t think that’s all he is thinking about.
So why should you discuss sex before you walk down the aisle? Here we go!
#1 Different Expectations About “The Wedding Night” .
We all have different expectations of what a couple should do on their wedding night. Some of us think they should have dinner and watch a romantic comedy. Some think they should hold each other and declare their love for each other till they fall asleep while others think they should open their wedding gifts to see what they got. If there are any guys reading this right now, they think I must be crazy or be from some bizarre planet. Who in the world cares about wedding gifts?! The guys are thinking, it’s time to celebrate – with sex. It’s important you and your intended husband, talk about what you think you should do (or not do), on your wedding night. If you foresee a situation where you think you might be tired from all the partying and would rather postpone sex say till the next morning, you should mention that. By the way, men are hardly ever tired on their wedding night! Most especially if you two have reserved sex for marriage.
#2. “How Often Should We Do It ?” – The Frequency Question
No matter how much in-love you think you and your boyfriend or fiancé are, there are high chances that you think very differently when it comes to sex or how often you should engage in it as a married couple. In most cases, women are stunned about how often their husbands want to have sex. I don’t care whether your husband to-be is a mind-reader who knows exactly what you want. His mind-reading skills are not likely to be on point when it comes to you two having sex.
You could be thinking two to three times a week would be great while he could be thinking three times during the work week and three times on the weekends, making six times altogether. Sweetheart, I’m not exaggerating. We think differently from guys when it comes to this subject. You don’t necessarily have to take what he hands to you but you two should reach a compromise. Also, don’t assume he wants to be the one to initiate sex 100% of the time. Ask him. He may think it’s a great idea for him to be the one being ‘chased’, instead of him doing the ‘chasing’ all the time. That’s all I’m going to say about that!
#3. Understanding What Sex Means
It is important for you to know what sex means to your husband and for him to know what is important to you too as far as intimacy is concerned. Believe it or not, but men seem to think women think about sex the same way they do. It’s a shame that this aspect of marriage doesn’t get the kind of attention it deserves during marriage counseling. The typical thing that happens is that the couple go into marriage and the woman wonders why sex seems to be the only thing her husband cares about while the man wonders why the wife is so disinterested in sex. He feels rejected and she feels like a sex tool. For majority of women, sex isn’t equal to intimacy while for men, sex is intimacy.
Shortly before my husband and I got married, we discussed not just what each of us thought about the wedding night and the expected frequency of sex, we also discussed our anticipated wants as far as intimacy is concerned. Chances are , if you like being cuddled, touched and held, your fiancé might have no clue how that might impact your sex life. He might think it’s okay for him to walk in the room, switch off the lights and boom, action! Meanwhile, you might want to chit-chat, be held, cuddled and whatever else it is that makes you feel desired and “puts” you in the mood.
I had read in books about how majority of men think about sex and remember telling my husband that I won’t be a on and off switch when it comes to sex. How he treats me emotionally and otherwise during the day sets the tone for how receptive I might be when he’s thinking “boom, action!” . You get my point.
There is more to marriage than sex but sex is a vital part of marriage. It can draw a couple closer or drive them apart if some of the differences in mindset are not understood by both parties. Discussing sex before marriage isn’t a guarantee that you won’t have any misunderstandings in that area of your marriage, but it’s a good start. It puts you ahead in so many ways. You are better able to manage your expectations and emotions. Also, you know what to expect when you hear , “BOOM, ACTION!”
Let me know what you think about couples discussing the subject of sex. Could it really be helpful? Ican't wait to hear from you! Leave your comment ==>here
Ronke Alao is a writer who gives time-tested and simple principles to help women enjoy their relationships and marriages. Her methods teaches women how to get past the confusion of dating and getting to the place where they really have fulfilling relationships and marriage.
She is known for her ‘up-close and personal’ style of getting her message across and drawing lessons from her personal experience. She is married to her best friend, Wale, who is her biggest cheerleader. Her online newsletter, EveryWoman’s Heart, is read in over 72 countries.